Behold. In the days of King Charles of South Carolina it was the custom (and remains so, as his days continue unabated), that he and various of his shepherds and minstrels journeyed south several times a year to collect a census of lovers of classical music. King Charles did most charmingly spin yarns amid the musicians’ diversions, and most welcomely did he treat in particular the youthful fair maidens of the fair green South, most welcomely indeed.

In the Year Of Our King 2007 three of these minstrels, Arron, Kim, and Denk, were far from their homes, shepherding in a bleak asphalt field just below the Statehouse in Columbia. Truth be told, these three wanderers were not all in the same mood. Denk was mourning past love via the strange medium of an espresso milkshake, culled from the delicious, mildly virginal sheep of the Immaculate Consumption. Kim meanwhile, oblivious, was telling off-color jokes and desiring to fax a letter at Kinko’s. If indeed Arron could be said to have a state of mind, it was amusement at the discrepancy between those of his companions.

The three supposedly wise men thus debased themselves, and Denk descended so far as to worship the canvas calf, by purchasing some local sportswear, including a hat and some tight swaddling clothes, which he donned, and which amused Arron yet further.

Lo! A Google map appeared in the East, and the 6 cylinder camel was mounted, and the shepherds crossed highway twenty, and when they approached the city of Camden, there was really plenty of room in the inn. Plenty. The inn manager did then give the shepherds ethernet cables and keys and returned to the Weather Channel.

When the shepherds got to their rooms, the Internet was not working, nor was there HBO, and they thought of the long empty evening ahead, and were sore afraid.

Whereupon, the angel of the Lord appeared to them and said “Do not be afraid! I bring you tidings of great joy. Get thee up, and thence to the liquor store, and get some tequila.”

Denk did feebly protest. “Lord, is this not an easy out?”

The angel grew more stern and glorious and imperious: “Enough! And on thy way back, thou must stop at Wal-Mart.” And suddenly with the angel there was a great throng of the heavenly host, brandishing debit cards and shot glasses, and singing hymns, and glorifying. And so shepherds Arron and Denk set forth, leaving Kim to practice in his room, and accomplished the first of the angel’s tasks, and beparked themselves amidst many trucks in a great thronging lot and set foot into the superstore, as the Lord had commanded.

And once returned to the inn, the shepherds sang hymns as they unboxed this heavenly gift from the Far East, which was borne out of its cardboard nearly immaculately, if a bit squished, and praised it with frankincense and flame retardant,


and made holy agave offerings,


and everyone was glad,

and King Charles was mightily pleased.

Nor was this all. For the very next day, the tree performed a miracle, that of Being Stuffed into the Trunk of a Car With Minimum Loss of Ornaments.

trunktree.jpgAnd then the day after that, at 6 AM, there was the miracle of Tree Passing Through Airport Security. And right after that, a third miracle, the Tree Appearing in the Overhead Bin! It seemed there was no end to its miracles.

Many persons did marvell and remark upon these miracles, and it was a glorious season, and even King Charles was moved and mentioned the indomitable travelling tree in his tales.

And the lion lay down with the lamb and the cellulartreetable.jpg phones lay down with the cellular phone chargers and the luggage tags lay down with the luggage and in general everyone wanted to lay down because they were pretty f*&()#@ tired, including Denk, who glanced briefly at the glowing tree, which like many miracles seemed to be bit confused to be sitting upon his kitchen table.

Denk smiled at its glow, and realized the true meaning of Christmas, which he quickly forgot, because he fell into a delicious, overdue sleep in his swaddling clothes.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.


  1. Posted December 10, 2007 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    *sigh* what do i do when i want to procrastinate instead of studying for my music history final? that’s right … i come to think denk. as much as i love stravinsky and ives, and listening to threnody: to the victims of hiroshima, i find great relief in sitting back and chuckling as i read your blog. alas, i must return to my studies, so that i may excel on the exam tomorrow. or i could sit here and write more for a few minutes, while i wait for my friend to come to my room and listen to music for the listening portion of the exam (for which we have a good 25 pieces we must be able to identify, and know title, composer, movement if applicable, and date). i’m having fun coming up with memory devices. for example, danse des adolescentes from the rite of spring was written in 1913, and 13 is an age associated with becoming a teenager, and teenagers are adolescentes. or music for strings, percussion, and celesta, by bartok. we have to know the third movement, and it was written in 1936. look at all those threes. three instruments in the title, third movement, and a three in the year, not to mention that you get the last digit of the year simply by multiplying three by two. and nuages from nocturnes by debussy. 1899. double s, double 9. fun, isn’t it. anyway, i must attempt to learn more about music history from 1850 to the present, but thank you for the temporary respite from studying and great amusement. *hug*

  2. Christina
    Posted December 10, 2007 at 10:07 pm | Permalink

    brilliant. i’m torn between the photo of the iphone and tequila (iphonequila?) and the shot of the stuffed tree in the trunk… wonderful!

  3. Posted December 11, 2007 at 1:56 am | Permalink

    You guys are simply adorable. Gosh, I hate to point out the obvious: swaddling cloths = diapers. And God only drinks vodka (I have that on good authority).

    Happy happy days!

  4. suzanne
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 6:58 am | Permalink

    Whatever your problem is, JD, I’m sure it’s…..difficult to pronounce. I think you should call your mother. Often.

  5. william o. jones
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    SC.does not change Your experience was probably better than usual.Freya and I lived there for 25 years!!Never go there in the summer or you will get first hand experience of HELL.

  6. Posted December 11, 2007 at 9:45 am | Permalink

    I’m now waiting for the Denk-treatment to be applied to The Grinch.

  7. rednepentha
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 4:20 pm | Permalink

    it’s amazing how you can find ways to celebrate on the road. even more than the tree, it’s the camaraderie you guys shared that was the essence of the holiday spirit.

    happy holidays.

  8. Mom
    Posted December 12, 2007 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    This post made my day.

  9. jc
    Posted December 12, 2007 at 11:14 pm | Permalink

    Hello Jeremy,
    The miracles bestowed upon you are many! Travel, tequila and tiny trees–a holy trifecta.
    Nice to run into you last week.

  10. lili
    Posted December 14, 2007 at 3:02 am | Permalink

    So glad that neither internet access nor HBO was available! (Don’t they make us loners?) You wouldn’t have had that merry tequila-christmas event and we would not have this nice story.
    Love the parody!

  11. dee battisti
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 5:20 pm | Permalink

    Hi Jeremy, I am Amy Battisti’s Mother . She sent this imaginative and charming story to us which I thoroughly enjoyedl. She , however , neglected to tell me that you are a pianist and not only that, but one I have heard of and wanted to hear in performance. Are you going to be playing in the Philadelphia area any time in the next 6 months? I have heard some good things about your playing and look forward to hearing you , hopefully soon. ‘hope you have a nice holiday. Dee

  12. Posted March 6, 2008 at 2:52 am | Permalink

    I’ve never seen you in a hat before.

One Trackback

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>