Touchable, Tangible

I was innocently “enjoying” a roast beef sandwich at my local Subway sandwich place when in walked a group of teenage boys, and one of them said something quite unexpected. He said: “I want something …” (yes? pause for effect?) “Something tangible.” He then went over to the counter to order.

I thought it was an interesting choice of words.

Exactly what “intangible” things might you expect from your Subway franchise? (I imagined going up to the counter and ordering the categorical imperative, on Parmesan-Oregano bread.) My sandwich, chips, and soda all seemed solid, real enough. I touched them to be sure. (No, I’m not lying, I really did this.) One of those annoying radio stations is always blaring in there; the walls are electric yellow, riddled with prefab maps and historical pictures; the lighting is odious and fluorescent; and perhaps particularly the tiled floor is the most inexplicable element, ugly beyond ugly… like the floors and the walls are locked in some life-and-death struggle to be more hideous than each other. Indeed, it is no Rothko Chapel, no site for meditation or simplicity, not a likely place to find the great Unknowns.

But of course I was sitting there, Mozart running through my head. The styrofoam sandwich I was consuming was somehow the perfect vehicle for my brain to come off its post-practice spinning, to idle back to rest. As I swallowed (taste had nothing to do with it), different thoughts about how Mozart puts his pieces together–and especially the ways that the opening solos of his concertos seem to really “open things up,” to promise distance, future, invention-to-come–crystallized, became tangible. I was very happy, sitting there, looking out at the sunshine on Broadway, consuming nameless nutrition, singing fragments of phrases, hearing arpeggiated E-flat major chords…

Every day I start practicing with the idea “I must practice.” (Tautology; a performative.) There is nothing less tangible than this “abstract” need for work, the sense something must be done. What must be done? No clue. It is a caveman urge. And I sit down at the bench, and I start to play at something, and it is always painful at first, halting. It is unfocused, my brain goes from one annoyance to another (no you are tightening here, no that sounds bad, no you must start over like this, okay finally, but look over here your left hand is a disaster! aaah!). But gradually as the session goes on something happens and the connection from brain to finger becomes somewhat electric. I “feel” each note (each note is “tangible,” I am functioning as a vehicle for my own ideas.) This feeling grows, and at some point I become a bit cocky about it, it feels too good. Yes, this, and this, oh man, that’s exactly what I wanted! And at that point, the point of maximum enjoyment, it is time to stop. It has passed from intangible to tangible to decadence. And it is time for a Subway sandwich.

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Jealousy

I was doing the dishes the other day (applause, applause) when jealousy struck. Boredom and prune fingers are more typical side-effects. It was because Nina Simone was singing “The Pusher” in the other room (from her Blues album), and she’d just got to that place where she says “the pusher is a MONSTER!!!!!” It’s a great place. Her voice (never lush) passes over into this astringent yowl, the honk of an existentialist goose; it buzzes and grates; the pitch wobbles but somehow sticks to its fabulously ugly spot. Yes, Nina, the pusher is a monster. (What sort of monster? The sort that would consent to sing like that.)

Now, the source of my jealousy: where in the classical rep can you really “let go” like that? Where can you howl and yowl and curse the very ground you walk on? (Metaphorically speaking.) I will allow that such a wonderfully expressive, sustained sound, growing and shifting like an amoeba, is not really possible at the piano. But are there similar places, where one aims for the wild and untamed. The first example that came to mind wasn’t so good: near the end of the Strauss Violin Sonata, 1st movement, both players indulge themselves in a huge, operatic climax; it goes on and on and on, in waves, arpeggios… sigh. Yes, you “go to town;” but it’s a clean town, sort of like Columbus, Ohio, or worse yet, Lake Forest, Illinois, with its faint, unappetizing whiff of elitism and polish and pride. Not that I’m complaining; I always enjoy playing the Strauss Sonata, and I certainly get my jollies during that moment; but it’s not like Nina’s “monster.”

The second example I thought of was better: the final chord of the Bartok 1st Violin Sonata. It’s a giant, wonderful splat:

bartokfinalchord

Sometimes audiences are a bit thrown by this chord, the conflation of three “normal” chords. It’s not that there’s no harmony to deal with… there are too many harmonies to deal with, all in bluesy, dissonant relation to each other. I myself imagine Bartok (or the ghost of Bartok) saying, right afterwards, “that, my friends, was the TONIC,” with a wicked, joyous smile which bursts into a cackle as he walks off into the night. He doesn’t stick around for the puzzled applause. The real Bartok was probably too earnest for this, but who knows?

I end up thinking also about how at the end of the Nina Simone tracks there’s applause, but through the applause the pianist and various other instrumentalists just kind of “go to town,” as if letting free certain ideas which they had wanted to play during the actual tune… The pianist riffs up and down, crazily, and it all seems to be a transition to the next piece, a moment of liberated musical time, as opposed to the more structured time of the songs themselves. Of course, in the classical world, these in-between moments are known as “uncomfortable silence,” during which people make catty or complimentary comments about what they just heard; during which girlfriends ask their boyfriends what they thought, and boyfriends try to think of something to say; during which programs are crumpled and uncrumpled, and really only repressed coughs are let free. In classical music the boundary between piece and non-piece is very rigid.

I think if the ghosts of composers do show up occasionally at concerts, they usually leave before the applause starts. In fact, they’re probably making their way to the door during the final measures, hoping to time their exits exactly with the last moment of the piece (and if they’re in Carnegie Hall, they probably have to fight with a considerable number of eager home-bound New Yorkers in the process). This isn’t because they hate the performer, or the attention he/she is getting, It is because they envision the ends of their pieces are exits in and of themselves, and they don’t want to let those exits get stale and overcooked. I often feel the end of a (good) performance as the beginning of a larger momentum, as inspiration to go and do and be fruitful and multiply etc. etc. In fact, come to think of it, I never think of the ending of a piece as a closure, or stoppage, as a dead end; the more satisfying the ending, the more of a beginning it seems.

Lest I get all skewered on this simplistic idea that jazz lets go, while classical holds in (jazz=freedom/classical=repression)… in which I am incidentally a repressive figure… I was noticing the ways in which the blues template “holds in” some of the extremities of meaning which the singer declaims. In “The Pusher” Nina says some pretty outrageous stuff:

If I was the President, hear me,
of this land
I’d declare total war
on the Pusher man
I’d shoot him if he stands still
I’d cut him if he runs
I’d kill him with Bible, my razor, and my gun.

And yet somehow these words don’t feel so violent on record as they appear, written on the page. The recurring pattern, the blues syntax, seems to take the message out of itself, to displace it. It’s still, after all, only the blues, the music seems to say; the chord changes (which never change) make it OK; the violence of the words is only “musical,” a kind of expression of rage celebrated (there is something celebratory about this song, though it is about a tragic subject… is it celebrating the musical catharsis, the very existence of an acceptable expression of this rage?) In many classical songs, in those of Mahler for example, there is no such reassurance. The music is almost too responsive, will accommodate and mirror the wildest words. And when Schubert, at the end of Winterreise, shifts to a skeletal, nearly non-song, the barest, saddest outline of a hurdy-gurdy with only a few notes to play, he ups the ante even further, he almost renounces composition itself, he says “I give up, and you should too.” There is no comfort, anywhere; the aimless patterning is totally unconsoling, amusical, music writing out its own demise. That’s how far the classical world is willing to take it.

So I take it back. No need to be jealous. “My” repertoire goes to all sorts of extremes. So there. But if you see the ghost of Bartok (perhaps having martinis at the Redeye Grill after some concert or other), tell him thank you for me, I love his dirty chords, that he brought over from folk songs to classical, civilized climes. I love that I can play them and feel dirty, their rough feel in the ear and the hand, the naughty thrill of sinking into one of those “ugly” chords before a mildly tolerant audience, and (especially) that I don’t even have to clean up afterwards.

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Pencils and Nuts

Today I am a squirrel. I am stocking away fingerings for the long, hard festival season. The squirrel hoards for the winter, and I for the summer. Presenters (you know who you are) don’t always seem to care about my peace of mind, and thus for a given trimester of festivals I rarely have a single overlap, a single piece played twice (unless I really throw a tantrum) … At a certain juncture in the summer–the “tipping point”?–the pace of oncoming concerts overwhelms my accumulated credit of preparation, and at that point it is every man for himself … no, every piece for itself. Me, I am adrift, a contestant on Survivor: Chamber Music — stay tuned, will the next piece kick my butt?

I am squirrel in other ways as well. I have a huge pencil problem at the piano. Consider this “simple” process:

a) pick up pencil from music rack
b) neatly write fingering
c) put the pencil down in the same place for easy retrieval

Something about this confounds me; it can “gang agley” at a, b, and/or c. For example, I put the pencil back down on the music rack. I am playing along, happily, I feel I sound reasonably OK (as probably occurs too often), so I don’t stop, I turn the page, swept up in the moment… (at the very least my page turn will be done with gusto, will express the spirit of the passage I am playing!) At this point the pencil, perched innocently on the music rack, gets caught up in the fracas, flies away, onto the floor–cruelly and perversely landing behind a huge pile of music waiting to be learned (and fingered). I bravely ignore this, but when it comes time again to put in another fingering, then I have to stop playing, crawl on the floor, look for it, and past experience (cruel mother of statistics) has taught me that I have at least a 40% chance of thereby bumping my head against the bottom of the piano (collateral damage). Usually this irritation overwhelms my desire to write in the fingering, and so no more fingerings will be written. So there.

My solution is brilliant, and yet socially unacceptable. (Luckily piano practicing is a deeply antisocial activity.) I keep a pencil in my mouth (!) at all times while practicing, and this makes me look rather idiotic… like a squirrel or chipmunk. But the pencil is thus always at hand (at tooth, I should say), and I have become quite attached to this posture; this idiocy tames my mind, arranging it in the ideal “flow state” for practicing. Sometimes all I need to do is put a pencil in my mouth to put myself “in the mood” (not tonight, Steinway, I have a headache). Pencil is to me as blanket is to Linus and yes I know Schroeder was the one who played the piano but Linus was and is my hero.

After three hours of fingering yesterday, I headed to my local sleepy Indian restaurant, which, judging from its takeout menu, is “Under New Management.” There is of course no reflection of this in either the service or the cuisine. As always, I order “Balti Jalfrazi,” and, as always when I eat in the restaurant, it is totally in another planet of tastiness from the same dish, delivered. A bowtied, elegant waiter wipes my plate with a pristine white towel before gently laying it down on the table in front of me. The dish is presented in a beautiful, miniature copper pail. Fragrant basmati rice steams from an oval platter. I refuse to believe the food suffers that much from the four block journey to my house. Here is my theory: when you sit in the restaurant, they are forced to confront you “as a person,” to believe in your existence… they cook with courtesy, ethically. But as a mere delivery, a numbered apartment on a numbered street, it is just business, just the endless flow of curry up and down Amsterdam Avenue…

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Bon Vivant

If to seek the last beans out of the coffee bean bag is to “suck at the marrow of life,” then consider me today a Bon Vivant:

coffeebeansearch

A rough measure of the urgency of the coffee-making process is the amount of coffee spilled in getting from the grinder to the French Press:

DSCN0510

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